Chris Rock graced the Music City for five consecutive nights, performing two shows a night at the infamous Zanies Comedy Club. Rock sold out ten shows in the Music City giving us a taste of his upcoming Total Blackout Tour. I got to laugh and listen to Chris Rock on Friday and Sunday’s show. I have added a few excerpts below with talking points. Please note that these jokes are paraphrased and adult language is used below. These jokes aren’t my original content and do not belong to myself or stylistakt.com.
I’ve been married for 16 years that’s like 40 years in today’s time, because of cell phone usage. Today you text your wife and say, “Honey, how was your day?”. Now you already know how her day was because you texted her all throughout the day. In the old days, my Dad actually wanted to know how her day went because he hadn’t spoke to her all day.
Marriage is hard you can’t be a chef, when you only worked at Burger King. In marriage, my ex hired someone to cook for me, to clean for me and eventually I found someone would sleep with me. You can’t hire everyone to do everything.
Marriage is hard, you better look out the way because there are gonna be some days you are Beyoncé and some days you are Kelly and sometimes you’re the tambourine player and you just better play the shit out of that tambourine.
I did about 80 shows across the country and had about half a million people come visit me. I only cheated with three people, all the women right now think I am the worst person in the world and all the men think I am a saint. It was with a newscaster from Kansas City, a girl that was a student at Syracuse and worked for Sephora, and a member of Destiny’s child and it wasn’t Beyoncé. That is why I took up your phones, I’m not going to end up on World Star.
Dating is hard and I feel like Austin Powers in the dating scene. I had a date with some younger girls and they fuck fast. I mean they are doing anal on the first night and I’m like damn slow down. I also have a Tinder profile of my real name on it with a picture of me hosting the Oscars. My friends told me not to put my real name on the profile because they will only want to date me because I’m Chris Rock. Well, I am Chris Rock and when I swipe right, we are fucking.
Also these young girls have sex with you, don’t call you back, and leave. I am like damn I’m at your place.
Dating a girl and in her 40’s is expensive, you have a have about $30,000 of disposable income, because she’s going to want to vacation and wants to do something in the summer. You have to give her like five gifts, one for her birthday, one for Valentine’s Day, one for Christmas and two gifts just because it’s Tuesday.
Girls in their 20s , You can spend $88 on her, get her some sweet potato fries and she’ll be so enamored. Oh my gosh it’s a dessert and vegetable.
All they want to do is get on top during sex, I don’t know whether I’m getting fucked or changing oil.
When you get a divorce, you have got to go through alot of shit if you’re a guy. If you are female you don’t have your kids, you gotta be real messed up. I mean Brittney Spears has her kids and Whitney had more custody of Bobby Kristina when she died over Bobby.
When you’re a guy you better have fucking pictures or as I call them, receipts of love. When you feed then, you take a picture, when you buy them clothes, you better take a picture of. If not, they are going to treat you like shit. I literally bought a house right around the corner from my other house and they wanted to know if I have rooms in it and a refrigerator. Every time, they come over I make sure that I maximize that shit one thousand percent. Tell your mama Obama helped you with your homework and that Beyoncé made you a grilled cheese sandwich. Divorce took a lot of my money, so you may see me on some questionable shows like, “Dancing with the Stars”. I’m gonna play a dead man on Law & Order. I was also on “Empire” last season. I am in room with her three lawyers that I have to pay for and my three laywers, and their job is to take my money. That is when I knew I made it.
Tennessee it seems like every restaurant has ribs and chicken, even the milk got mac and cheese in it. The tea is like a sugar shake. It’s like damn, Tennessee do you have any fruit around this MF!!!
I Hope I Find God Before God Finds Me
I gave a homeless man five dollars but I had $300 in my pocket, so I had to pass 20s and 50s before I gave him the $5.00 and then I told everyone that I talked to that I gave a homeless man $5.00.
The Women’s March in Washington is kind of a little too late. We should’ve marched on election day and now we got the orange terror in office.
You know how to keep gays from getting married, let them get married.
I hope they shoot as many white kids as they do black kids. I mean I want true equality all around. I want to see a White Mom crying with Al Sharpton, saying why did they have to shoot Chad, all he was doing was leaving racquetball practice. Compare police officers with Burger King employees. NYPD makes about $15 an hour. So, would you give the guy that serves you fries a gun. Its like American Airlines, you couldn’t say that only some of your pilots can land a plane, so why would you give a loaded weapon to just any person with a badge. I’m a nigga who owns property, so if I get robbed I’m not about to calling the Crypts, I’m calling the police. Plus, I’m a only a nigga till you get about three feet upon me and recognize me like, then you like oh shit, it’s Chris Rock.
On the Seventh Day God Made: Mistakes
They say God don’t make mistakes but he rested on the seventh day. You don’t rest when you doing something perfect, you rest when you have fucked some shit up. A porcupine, for example it’s ugly, you can’t eat it,— mistake! What about quick sand, it’s sand you can drown in, a dry death–mistake! Have you seen Mississippi, unless your a running back you should never go to Mississippi–mistake!
I went to my daughters orientation and I hate going to orientation, it’s bullshit. They tell the kids they can be anything they want. If you can be anything you want, you’re telling me that you wanted to grow up and be a principal. Really, why don’t you tell the kids that they can be anything that they’re good at, like if I wasn’t doing comedy I would be a UPS driver. Oh, I would be the funniest UPS driver ever, you would want to order packages, so that way you can get me to deliver your packages.
Kids need bullies. You can’t make diamonds without pressure. Do you think Bill Gates didn’t get bullied, with his big Ovaltine head, nerdy looking ass. What about Mark Zuckerberg, fuck you Zuckerberg you didn’t have any friends until you built Facebook, Fuckerberg.
You know hunting isn’t for game. Game is where the other person has a chance of winning you never go to a deer’s house and see a Puerto Rican’s head on the wall. Did you ever think that a caveman would pass a grocery store and didn’t want to stop at Whole Foods. You just want to stop something’s heart from beating, you don’t need it to eat. You pass a grocery store on the way to kill an animal.
You don’t need a gun to protect your family. You know the only serial killers are the people that live at home with their mothers. People who should be allowed to buy guns are the ones with a mortgage. Nobody with a 739 credit score ain’t going to shoot nobody. Even if you go to prison and you get out in twenty years, you still got a mortgage, you can’t refinance your home from jail.
Chris Rock Total Blackout Tour dates can be found at the links below.